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Date:06/11/2009 Time: 10:38:16 PM      

 The FBI had an opening for an assassin.  After all the background checks
interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.  For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  'We must
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill
her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'The
agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my
wife.'   The agent said, 'You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. I had to beat him to death
with the chair.'

MORAL:
Women are crazy.  Don't mess with them


Date:10/04/2009 Time: 07:30:50 PM      

  The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

 
  
 
 
 
...... 
 
 
 
 
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. 
 
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”


Date:10/11/2009 Time: 11:00:30 AM      

 

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
 
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
 
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
 
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counte r to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I 'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
 
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
 
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
 
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity ge ts the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
 
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
 
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
 
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
 
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
 
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible! How could yo u tell?'

Date:10/29/2009 Time: 07:05:41 PM      

 

-   BULLETIN - BULLETIN - NEWS FLASH
 
RB
  

 
BREAKING NEWS:

FLASH - This just in:

 


ESPN is reporting that President Obama watched 2 quarters of a football game and is being nominated for a Heisman Trophy.

   He also will be nominated for an Emmy for best Actor for Drama/Fiction ……


Date:10/29/2009 Time: 07:06:17 PM      

 

Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked. "Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, but..." stammered the woman. "Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."


Date:11/30/2009 Time: 03:31:51 PM      

 

 
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3.. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber 
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist 
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer 
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic 
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant 
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38.. capable
39. courageous 
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 


45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes 


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

 

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

            2. Bring alcohol
  


Date:12/11/2009 Time: 03:07:01 PM      

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures.Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier..

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it


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